1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell
alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're
going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you
aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like
everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the
windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a
lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get
slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your
birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.